are days that go 'a bit like that. " And 'that, probably, when I realize that I have started to have problems in my head (damn ! ) will emerge again and again.
I can never feel fully satisfied and quiet than I do. And I hate, hate me, hate me.
And every time I try to force me and say "but look at the positive things ! " I can not do that here, that the negative I always seem insurmountable and impossible to solve.
I have the stomach for three days, and, in each case, I can associate a good reason in my head and a sense of guilt just as powerful.
Maybe I should, again, seriously, start a psychological therapy. And this time not for the food (oh my God give me time to write that Prince my problem is not food ) . This time it's all around me which scares me and I still always feel inadequate in any situation.
I lost my job two years ago, and put black and white that were two years is nothing short of horrible. And even though, rationally, I know of that have been retired pieces of shit, I can not help blaming myself. Too much availability, trying to meet the needs of everyone except my own, having permission to take advantage ... of all things routine for myself. But then I start to tell me that perhaps I was not good enough, that perhaps took me no soul, that perhaps not conclude anything in my life.
And now, after two years to cry, to feel despair and to throw away, check here for a job. And I'm back in office for nearly two months, once again ready to throw myself headlong into a new world. But now back to reset of feel to throw away, perhaps expect too much from myself efficiency know and understand people very quickly, and so here I seem to do enough to make mistakes and spend hours and hours with the worry of mind. And the fear that starts in January threw me out from here, I know that not even this time, let me assert that the contract for an indefinite period will not come and I really want to cry.
Probably the other work I have zero self-esteem, and now I happen to think about things hallucinating, hallucinating so much that when I come back to reality, I wonder if I'm going crazy seriously.
And then guilt towards my parents for all the times that continue to pay my expenses that I, unfortunately, I can not pay me. And do not talk about that dress or that necklace, I speak of car payments, stamp, of tuition fees. All compulsory and that I weigh so much.
And last night, my friend tells me "Come on, now that that work can spend a bit 'of money." No. I can not spend them because I will no longer weigh on my own, because I have to put money aside and, if the sky m'assiste, leave home next year.
And also the problem is not just a house. Expenses, mortgage payments added to the machine which add up to university and bills. But I'll manage. I owe it to myself, my parents and my brother. They can not subirsi my screams, my tears and my fears, not when you have 28 years, which are almost 30.
And then the university. Next year I finish it, including the dissertation. And I'm afraid of not succeeding in the times that I have given. I'm afraid of not being able to do three exams in January. I'm afraid that is not accepted my thesis project. I'm afraid of everything. And never fear equals Paturnie, stomach pain, immobility.
So whenever something happens to me vaguely of the good connection to all these Paturnie and here that ... poof ... it vaguely beautiful disappears topped by paranoia that even Freud would envy.
Et voila.
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